Hey, it’s me again. I tried looking quickly to see what entry this would be in the challenge but I forgot what it was, to late to go back and check now I guess. All I know is that it’s definitely not the 30 day mark yet ,but we’re getting there. I’m glad to have found writing on days like today. nothing bad happened, it was actually another good day. Tomorrow marks the two week anniversary of the last time I’ve had a drink and it’s difficult not to re-indulge myself. I know two weeks sounds very measly and not worth talking about, but it’s a big deal for me. I have said I was going to “quit” a million times before, but each time I gave in and usually at the two week mark. It’s a milestone that i’m hoping to overcome so I can set my sights on being a month sober. This time I really want to quit and I believe I can. My previous attempts at getting sober always involved me sneaking in a typical one or two here and there to reward myself, and I always cave. This time i’m not doing that, the thought of going through that cycle again is devastating.
It used to be fun, you know going out with friends and having drinks. Slowly it turned from something fun and innocent into one of the most self destructive and selfish things I could have possibly got involved with. I think I may have mentioned it before but every negative event I can think of in my life has been tied to me being drunk at one point or another, and to no one’s fault other than my own. Today has been a day of remembering the last time I woke up wondering what had happened the night before. I remember feeling so embarrassed and disgusted with myself. It was then I realized the full impact of what I was doing to myself and those around me.
I’ve lived an overboard, way to care free kind of lifestyle for far too long, and today I can tell you it has caught up to me in every way imaginable. I’m tired of it now, I really am. Sure I miss doing some of the things I used to do but I look around and it’s almost as if there are days were I can see my life fading away like sand around my fingers. It scares the hell out of me seeing where I could end up If I continued living the way I was. The last six months I have been really trying to slowly tone things down to the point where I can leave my demons behind without looking back. I’ve been down dark roads before and I don’t want to go back.
I can honestly say there haven’t been many times in my life where I’ve been genuinely scared, but right now thinking about how close I could be to the end is scary as hell and it frightens me a lot. That’s why in celebration of my almost two weeks of sobriety, I am going with a lovely 2% chocolate milk, straight.
I just need to keep reminding myself of the positives that lay ahead in my journey and take things day by day. I’m looking forward to tomorrow, I get to spend the day with my kids. It’s been nice having them to look to for inspiration during my struggles. I keep a picture of both of my kids on my nightside table and they serve as a nice reminder of why i’m doing this. I want my kids to think of me one day as being a total badass number one dad who loves them to death, and I don’t want to lose that. There really isn’t much to me these days that I would say “means a lot” but what they think and what they will think does. I don’t want to ruin that.
