Hello again everyone! so yes I skipped another day, don’t really have an excuse for that one haha. Things have been good. Yesterday was about as mildly average as any Wednesday possibly could be. That may sound like a complaint but a boring day is never a bad thing, especially when trouble and myself go hand in hand. I guess the highlight of these past two days is the minor car troubles I’ve been experiencing. It’s nothing that I can’t quickly fix but I fear that’s only masking a larger issue. I’m no mechanic by any stretch but I know my way around a car, and I believe there’s an electrical issue somewhere. Beyond that though I’m not really sure, all I know it’s going to be expensive to fix. I’m waiting on my separation agreement to become finalized so I can take over the loan and ultimately trade the vehicle in. That’s a situation I’ll deal with when that day comes.
My mind has been completely occupied with the prospect of going on a date with my crush tomorrow. It’s not even that I’m getting my hopes up, I just want to know if it’s a yes or a no. In my experience with this sort of thing and I could be very wrong, she’s just playing nice and tomorrow will say sorry I can’t get a baby sitter and it’ll get rescheduled only to never end up happening. I know that may sound crazy but I don’t know my paranoia in these situations can be unreal, and I think I’m just overthinking the hell out of it. We’ve still been talking the same amount and everything so there hasn’t been any indications as to her not being interested, I suppose only time will tell.
I really thought that I wasn’t going to want a girlfriend again or at least wasn’t going to miss having that someone but after the events of my separation, and this last year of being able to reflect on my behavior and short comings, I think I’ve realized I do miss having some sort of a connection. Through these experiences I’ve really learned to not trust anyone, myself included. “If I can’t even trust myself how can I trust someone else?” is the type of mentality I have adapted and it’s difficult to shake. I feel like I am getting to the other side of that now where I can at least trust people again but It’s new people that I trust, new relationships and friendships that I can trust. Not the old ones unfortunately.
I’m okay with not having any old friendships in my life today with the exception of my ex wife. I had two friends that were very near and dear to my heart, we grew up together and were always there for each other through the thick and thin, until one day we weren’t but that’s a story for another day. I don’t truly dislike many people on this planet but those two fellas are likely candidates, at least one of them is.
I can’t realistically sit here and expect things to have turned out differently though, seeing how I acted and all. I think it’s an opportunity to get things right this time, not for me but for my ex. I do feel bad about the way things went down. I cheated on her multiple times, across multiple years, with multiple women. I didn’t do it all with a sober mind, I was usually drunk and high on something when I was doing that. The women I had the affairs with understood that my life outside of my marriage was drug fueled and exciting, if that was your scene. I’ve tried a fairly decent list of drugs, nothing to crazy though. Cocaine, mushrooms, clonazepam, and ecstasy to name a few. I never injected anything, and I’ve never tried crack, meth, speed or any of that. I liked party drugs.
Thinking back on it all, I kind of wonder how I am even still alive, and then I think of how much fun it was at the time. Then I think about how much damage I did by partaking in that lifestyle. The answer is a shit load, but it’s part of what makes me, me. Sure, the things I learned and exposed myself to were really negative, however there was good skillsets and things to be learned by those who paid attention. It’s fun seeing that black market skillset in a white market world.
I wish you all a wonderful weekend and I suppose the next time we chat, I will have hopefully gone on that date. Wish me luck, folks. Till next time.
