Well folks here I am yet again. So I’ve temporarily made up with my parents long enough to be able to stay here while I have the kids, so I’ve got a guaranteed one more night here at least. It frustrates me so much having to deal with them I can’t even begin to describe or comprehend it. In the past yes, they did have points when they were being all levels of fucking ridiculous but this time they actually seem way out of touch and off base. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this situation without losing my shit. My parents really get under my skin especially when it comes to them telling me what to do. Yes I understand they are better equipped to handle life situations based on life experiences but that still doesn’t change the fact that they yes can indeed be wrong. The trouble is getting them to see it.
The issue that arises from me trying to communicate with them is this; My mom is the one that gets angry and is essentially the shot caller. My dad on the other hand is like a pussy whipped enforcer if you could even call him that. I hate that our relationship has basically eroded to the point where I almost get into a boxing match with my 60 year old father just trying to explain my side of the story. I don’t know what the problem is, obviously I am part of it to some extent. Sitting here and saying I am not in anyway involved is not true the only thing is I just don’t know how. I’m a very clueless type of person, and especially with stuff going on sometimes I miss things. I’m supposed to have a talk with my parents tomorrow about me still living here apparently. They want to see that I have some sort of an exit plan made up and that’s the only way I’ll be able to stay living here. I get what they’re getting that, I wouldn’t want me living here either if I was literally doing nothing.
The problem is I feel as if I have been doing things and making major progresses but that completely just gets thrown out the fucking window and overshadowed by something like not making my bed. Forget the fact I’ve quit smoking, forget the fact I’ve quit drinking, forget the fact I’ve left my most destructive friends behind, forget the fact I’ve just paid off a credit card, forget the fact I’m actually trying to become something instead of sitting in my room like a drunk fuck I was almost a year ago. It frustrates me feeling like I’m doing a lot and being put on trial for it. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of this.
It’s times like this I really need to keep my anger at bay, it can be really easy for me to snap and trigger some avalanche of bullshit with everyone around me. Yes I understand it’s up to me to learn to handle and regulate things better but I also feel like there needs to be a compromise. For instance, when I was approached by my parents (what started this tilly) I had simply asked if we could do this another time in a polite and pleasant way, to which my dad said no were doing this right now and then he proceeded to yell at me. The only thing I will not take shit off of anyone my own parents included, if someone is in my face yelling at me. In my opinion if you act like that, you get whatever is coming to you.
I’m just tired of everyone I know, literally EVERYONE I know being so offended by me just being me. Like honestly I would love it if people just learned to fuck off once in a while. Regardless of what I do someone is always there to bitch me out. It’s getting old and I keep asking myself who these people think they are to decide what I can and can’t do. If I was doing something that was flat out hurting myself or others than yes I could see and understand the concern of others, in this case however I’m honestly not.
I don’t know if the world is getting more fucked up and It can’t handle me or the world is just fine and I’m getting more fucked up. I really can’t tell anymore. At this point I’m just a random fuck floating around in the air, it’d be nice to feel like more than that. I can’t help but beat myself up with everything going on and I’m really trying not to. If I start to go down even a little bit the entire ship crashes and burns.
What I can learn from everything up to this point is, I just want someone in my life who understands what I am through and through. Not even from a relationship standpoint just a fucking friend man. I can hold the world up on my own, I just can’t figure it out.
I’m done bitching and venting for today I think. I hope everyone has a great evening and if you are reading this, don’t give up even though it feels like all hope is lost. All we have to do is get through today and if we fuck it up, try again tomorrow.