Oops, I did it again. and again. annnd again.
Hello everybody! I missed another day yet again. This time it could have been prevented if I was a little more proactive in my planning but ultimately I wasn’t. I feel like it’s been established at this point I will be coming back, but I can’t definitively say that with my history, but I would like to. Yesterday was a good day. I had hung out with a friend I haven’t seen in a little while. He’s a friend from my heavier partying days and doesn’t know about me trying to sober up. There’s no particular reason I haven’t told him, it just hasn’t come up yet I guess. I feel like with something like trying to quit drinking at least in my case, it’s just easier to keep it to myself and when people see me doing my thing without booze they’ll clue in. At this stage of the game I would be surprised if people didn’t know about the relationship alcohol and I have, the severity of the situation was kept fairly well hidden though.
I got off on a bit of a tangent there. What I was saying was, I was hanging out with a friend who also enjoys drinking. But he doesn’t know that I am hoping to be done drinking for good. He ended up having some cans of beer on him, and naturally offered one to me. I held it for a moment and thought about it. I won’t lie, I really wanted to have a taste of that beer. I tossed the idea around for a second and realized that if I drank that can I would have undone everything, and for nothing. I politely refused and I think he picked up on why but I’m not completely sure. Regardless, I was faced with my first real hurdle and I fucking nailed it dude. Just knowing I have the willpower to say no in a situation where drinking is so common is very empowering. To be honest the high from being able to say no was pretty damn good. Thinking back to it I’m still riding the wave. I always thought of sobriety as something dumb, and like it doesn’t need a label, it was just unimportant. Holy shit was I ever wrong.
I’ve realized that sobriety is aside from an achievement is also a mindset. Thinking back it seems silly that it took me this long to figure that out, but never late than never I suppose. As cheesy and cliché as it all is, it really it amazing. I feel great these days, I really do. I think I’ve become more likeable too. I can definitely feel that my patience and overall threshold for any frustrating situations has gotten a lot better. It’s just made everything easier and more positive.
I’m still talking to that girl I’ve been crushing on. I feel like a middle school kid again to be honest. I’ve caught myself countless time just endlessly staring at my phone waiting for a notification from her. She’s really nice and she’s probably the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. We’re at a point where I feel like it’s okay to tell her that and she seems to like it. She thinks I’m crazy for that but she really is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She’ll send me selfies in the mornings or at different parts of the day saying “have a great day” and stuff like that, and I really like it. She’s a badass mom to three kids all under the age of seven and I have no idea how she does it. We go to bed at the same time roughly, she’s up an hour or more before me, and she’s dealing with three kids on her own. It makes me sleepy just hearing about her day haha but I like it. I admire that she’s so committed to making everything work, just hearing about her days are really interesting.
I’m nervous that our plans may fall through on Friday. I’m 99.9% sure that my nervousness is just a direct result of my superb ability to overthink things until I’m convinced the worst possible outcome is the only way it’s going to go. At least I hope. I’ve been trying to think of some ideas on what to do and I still have nothing. Fingers crossed I’ll have a better idea tomorrow. I’m not really even THAT worried about it, I mean she’s super cool and down to earth. She also said she’s not fancy, but let’s be honest I have to do something “wow”. Just no idea what. We’ll get there I’m sure.
With all of that being said too, I am fully aware and ready to accept that nothing may come of this and it could fizzle out anytime. I just like to dream I guess. I have a problem with romanticizing relationships like this. My track record will show that when I do catch feelings or whatever you want to call it, it is hard and fast.
Things have been going good and things are going good. I really can’t complain when I think about what’s been going on lately. Things are looking up and it feels great. To anyone who reads this: I hope you have an amazing day and week, if you feel like you need to make a change or want to, do it. You and everyone around you deserves to be happy, and surrounded by like minded folks to achieve their individual bests.