Well first off, Hey. It’s been a while. Now lets address the elephant in the room. I wish I had some sort of a valid excuse for my absence but I don’t. One night I didn’t feel like writing and it snowballed from there. My hiatus hasn’t been all bad though. I actually have some good news to share along with my return. I don’t remember exactly what was happening in my life at the time of my sudden departure but the most important thing at that time would have been me not drinking. I am very happy to report that I have stayed consistent and true to what I said and I am still very much clean and sober. I’ve also found out I’m about 25lbs ahead of where I thought I was with my weight loss goal. I am still living with my parents and they do not have a bathroom scale so It’s been tricky to track progress.
I’ve also started running again as a way to get my shit together again too. Running as awful as it is, if there was ever a space where you wanted to prove anything to yourself running is the space to do it. For me it’s been a self proving ground of sorts, and there’s always one thing that surprises me about myself even though it happens every time. I’m always able to push so much harder than I thought I could. My adult life may lead you to think I have no ambition or drive but that certainly isn’t true. I would argue I have more drive than most it’s just there’s nothing to use it on that will be beneficial. I’m not going to spend my time watering a brick, because it won’t grow.
There was a girl I think I mentioned liking too last time I was on here, or one of the last times at least. She’s still very much involved in my life today, although not in any romantic capacity. I don’t know if I’ve given her a name yet either but for the sake of ease of explanation, lets assume her name is Jilly. It is most definitely a fake name, but I feel like it will be easier when talking about her to call her as that. Jilly and I never hung out although we do message each other on a near constant basis. I think at this point I’ve asked her out like 5 times to no avail. Normally I would have backed off a long time ago but the fact she messages me all the time. The signals she gives off say ask me out, I have romantic intentions, etc. but when pursued she’s not interested. Her reasoning makes sense too, she’s got kids and doesn’t want them to get involved only to end up hurt, which I get. I still feel like pursuing her to the ends of the earth though, she’s a catch.
The biggest problem/stressor in my life right now is my financial situation. Turns out, when you neglect years worth of bills that you’ve accumulated from partying and then throw the cost of a divorce on top of that shit gets really fucking expensive fast lol. I shouldn’t be laughing but the situation is severe enough that I am actually at a loss, at least for right now. I’ve addressed a lot of my other problems head on and have either solved them or am well on my way to solving them, The financials however not so much. This is is biggest, ugliest, nastiest, most uncomfortable problem I have to deal with and I’ve been putting it off for too long, I need to address it before it gets any worse.
I’ve realized a way that you could measure a person is how well they deal with their problems, I have a history of running away or lying my way out of problems, this time I want to face them head on and tackle the issue at the root. If I don’t treat this like the rest of my problems then it will all be for nothing. It’s hard finding the gumption for a fight when you know your ass is going to get kicked anyway, just a matter of how hard will it be kicked.
Well I do believe that is all I have for now. I’m really hoping with this it marks my return to writing of sorts, but we’ll have to see. I never want to force it but at the same time I do need to recognize and understand that there is going to be some level of “I don’t want to do this” if I’m doing this everyday, and I just need to deal with it.