I’m under the impression the only thing I get better at with age is procrastinating, it’s almost as if that facet of my life ages like a fine wine but there is nothing good about it. It’s been a very long time since I’ve made an entry here but not a day has gone by where I didn’t at least think about writing. I have missed writing honestly, and I feel like before I may have been trying to do too much for my level of comfortability. Regardless of what has or has not happened, I am here now though and that’s what I’m focusing on in the moment. I’m not sure where I’ve left off before, and plus there has been quite a few things that have happened since the last time I made an appearance, so I’ll just ramble as per usual.
I suppose I’ll start with my women troubles. There is this absolutely amazing woman I have been talking to. I think I mentioned her in one of my last entries. We’ve message each other almost constantly for the last few months. It would be fair to say that at this point I am head over heels for her and really enjoy talking with her. I feel a little embarrassed saying that I have feelings for her, considering we have never actually met in person, everything up to this point has been texting, pictures, and short videos that we have sent one another. I’ve asked her countless times about meeting up and there have been many maybes, but nothing concrete as of yet. Seeing as how this whole ordeal has spanned multiple months, I am really under the impression that it will never actually happen. It’s the part where it will more than likely not happen that I really struggle with. We still continue to message one another, even now my phone just got a notification from her. I love seeing message notifications and knowing they’re from her, but once the smile melts from my face, I am left feeling a little worse than I did before I noticed that she had messaged me. Most of the time she makes me feel all these amazing and surreal emotions that I am really not used to, but really do enjoy feeling. She makes me feel like getting up in the morning is actually something I WANT to do rather than HAVE to do. I am really putting a lot of faith in her that she is being truthful when she says she can’t hangout, and I hope it’s genuine. Part of me feels like she is probably lying, I think it would break my heart to find out she was. She sends me very sweet heartfelt messages with things that are personal to me in mind, and really has almost taken on a girlfriend role from a supportive standpoint. She’s like a drug I can’t quit, I always need that next hit regardless of how it makes me feel.
My next big update was my sobriety. I have had a drinking problem since I became a legal adult and it continued for years, with many attempts to quit. I can’t remember exactly when other than it was in the later part of this past summer, but I managed to quit for a while. I was sober for 3+ months and really thought I was going to ride that wave until I died, thinking it was going to be a piece of cake. I’ve had a few relapses since then, I wouldn’t even say I avoid drinking anymore but I do partake significantly less than I did before. I’ve realized that going completely clean regardless of what it is for the long haul just isn’t viable for me. As of now yes, I still drink and yes, I love getting drunk, but the differences now are night and day. It’s not something that my life revolves around anymore and it’s not something that takes a priority. There have been times in my life where I know for a fact, I have put liquor above all else and with devastating consequences. I chose booze over my family and knowingly went down that path time and time again, only to end up as a divorced burn-out 27-year-old that had to move back in with mom and dad. It doesn’t control my life like that anymore and I am really loving the positives that come along with that. Some simple things like being able to remember things again, or not feeling so bad all the time whether it be physically or otherwise, or even just having improved mental clarity in my day-to-day life are all benefits I feel today and I don’t want it to stop. I’m ready to take reins back on my life and kick the addiction part out, while keeping the fun of course.
I have been on a crazy weight loss journey that is worth at least briefly mentioning. When I stopped drinking at first, weeks if not months had gone by and without realizing, I lost a lot of weight. I wasn’t keeping track at the time, but if I had to guess I lost 40–50+ lbs within the last few months. I am the smallest I have ever been in my adult life, which has been a nice little confidence boost and a reminder that even how fucked up things get, I can still be a badass and do things that most people only dream of.