Figuring it all out…
My biggest problems right now preventing me from continuing any further on my writing journey are severe procrastination and a sense of feeling uninspired to create any stories. I usually have quite the imagination but sometimes it is hard to come up with something worth talking about. With that being said though, I don’t post on Medium to gain attention or get noticed. I post on here as a way to keep myself coming back, to make sure I stick with it. Even though as of right now, no one has read any of my work on here; I still feel like I have to come back because otherwise my failure has been documented for the world to see. Even though it’s zero today, it could be one tomorrow.
I have always struggled to understand my own feelings and exactly how to interpret them at times, but one of the biggest things I often criticize myself for is never finishing anything. I always feel like I put so much energy into an idea, so much passion for something new and exciting that fizzles out almost immediately with nothing to show for my latest interest driven bender. I don’t know if i’m supposed to feel like this but, the act of constantly thinking “I am going to do it this time” and never actually following through is embarrassing, exhausting, and a perfect display of one of my core faults, no perseverance. Going through the entire process from the initial conception of an idea, to the inevitable moment of “this isn’t going to happen after all.” is defeating and humiliating to me at this point, I genuinely feel like a failure because it feels as if literally EVERY goal or ambition I have ever had become a bust in one form or another due to my own “user error.”. Writing on this platform creates a space for myself to be able to actually chip away at something with no time limit or time sensitive commitments.
A hidden benefit that I have discovered to writing is that it that it has allowed me the freedom to create a space in which I can store my thoughts and feelings, and have the ability to decipher, understand, and process them. It empowers me with a sense of clarity that is to my knowledge is unparalleled. It’s really liberating, and i’m at a pivotal moment of transition in my life and I need all the positives I can create for myself.
I have many demons that still haunt me to this day. Some of them are known to the world and I have paid the price for them, others are for now hidden and remain free of judgment. I understand I have made my bed, with every single negative action I have ever taken in my adult life, I consciously knew what I was doing and that eventually I would have to answer for at least some of it one way or another. I am not trying to play victim and nor will I ever when it was my own doing, my own drive and convictions that lead me down the path I travelled.
With a newly developed sense of courage, ambition, and self awareness however I feel as if I am finally ready to begin righting all the wrongs of my past. I owe it to the people I have hurt and myself.